From the pages Complex Words. Simple Thoughts.

April 13, 2008 - Sunday
To the Point Current mood: indifferent
You make me smile
Laugh at every frame
Snuggle beside you
In comfort and pain

But you walked away
Looking back in disguise
I can no longer want him
Or believe in simple lies

April 4, 2008 - Friday
Just like that. Current mood: blessed
I hope and hope
For one who sees me
Me and who I hope to be

Over time I’ve found my soul
And you were the beginning
My discovery is the woman I know

With hope and ambition
Strong willed and putting up a fight
Seeing everything I need to be me

Maybe one day you will too
Believe in all I can be
To know exactly what you’ve let fly free

March 22, 2008 - Saturday
To Annabelle Bielec Current mood: sad
Baby girl,
You were loved before you entered this place we call earth. Your parents had the best intentions when risking everything to create you. Please know the big brothers thinking of you in the hospital were more than the two of your blood. They were ten-fold. And your sisters couldn’t wait to hold your tiny hand. For some reason we never had the great opportunity to touch your frail body and whisper words of encouragement. You put in a tough fight though so I know you felt our strength. Now you watch us from above. I only hope we can continue your battle with such determination for the life each of us has been granted.
We love you always.

February 3, 2008 - Sunday
If I could.
If I could give you one thing it would be all my happiness of seeing your smile, your sexiness in the simplicity of your walk, and your hunger for writing words prolific in effect. If I could I'd dance with you till the morning light in a dim lit spot with your fingers on my hips and your head gently resting as your lips touch my skin. If I could show you the world from a much gentler view where things are easier than your own experiences and your burdens would not be so much to bear.If I could I'd stay with your forever with our passion so deep only those who know us as individuals would understand why we can be together with complete peace.If I could tell you how much my love is unwavering and will never be less than perfect then I wouldn't be writing these words in silence.

January 15, 2008 - Tuesday
A plea of happiness.
Mysteriously I'm able to stay up late but only by your side
and sleep so peacefully with your hand on my thigh.
Every morning just seems to get better and better
with life becoming so simple while we're together.
Secrets seem dark and never needed to last
even though you or I may not be proud of our past.
And our story seems to get more interesting over time
all along I've hoped deep in my heart you'd be mine.
Please let's follow the path of our great destiny
showing the world the great love between you and me.
January 8, 2008 - Tuesday
Simply Stated
I love you in the evening when you touch my soul with your finger tips. I feel you at night with your palm on my lower back. I want you all day and dream of our next moment in time.

December 31, 2007 - Monday
2007 comes to a close (final as I leave it all behind) Current mood: confident
So the end of '07 is here. It's been an interesting year.
Let's start in January when I was a new graduate of UMASS' MBA program and full of energy to take on the world. My job once again sucked the life out of me and by March I think I had only three days off. I celebrated my 27th birthday in top fashion and had reconnected with who I thought was my soul mate. Then my second father was taken during a cold, icy storm. A deep depression came over me and I decided it was a time for change. I found a marketing gig, but once again Freeman convinced me of my potential career. The same night my mom almost lost her life to a heart attack. I was reminded tomorrow is never promised and permenantely changed my temper and outlook on life. I found Tony (my brother) and then he disappeared once more. Quickly I learned sometimes you can love someone with all your heart doesn't mean they will love you in return and even if they do they may not want the same things as you in life. I went off to NY for five weeks to return to Bear's (my first dog) death. I saw my first NFL game and finally started cheering for the Skins even though I still love my birds. In October I lost another soul who I wept over for days in deep despair and pain. The rest of the year was capped off by many trips, including a leadership summit in Dallas, 23 days in Chicago, and a 24 hour adventure to Las Vegas (yes, all for business).
With the year behind me I will move forward with little resolution, but to make sure every decision I makethis year is one I am happy with. Whether professional or personal I will make choices (whether small daily ones or long term) to make myself a stronger individual for those I care and love.
Random side note: hopfully I will sell my condo too :)

December 9, 2007 - Sunday
my dilemma
wanting so much more. and not knowing how to get it. having no starting point.only hoping for a final destination. yearning so much. with nothing to grasp but faith.

November 4, 2007 - Sunday
Hoping for more, wishing for the best.
Something unfortunate has happened and I'm not sure how I press forward without a glitch. I thank God for my father being such a hard azz when I was younger and for both of my parents allowing me to make my own mistakes. Otherwise I'm sure the last couple months would have proven me as a total failure. I'm also fortunate I have a few supportive friends who accept me for who I am and the personal choices I've made. Most of them don't have a crazy schedule like I, but they understand I have certain obligations that have no benefits to anyone at the present time except the company I slave for.
Regardless, I hope for a long-awaited turnaround in the very near future. It's make or break time. Whatever is meant to be shall be seen.

October 20, 2007 - Saturday
Just when you think you know...
People never cease to amaze me, but why I allow them to complicate my thoughts I have no clue. Even individuals I believe have my best interest at heart or others who really have my back tend to push me to a limit where I lose all sense of trust and sensibility. I perform best under extreme conditions so maybe there is a purpose behind their approach. However, simple decisions and explanations would make my days much better.

September 25, 2007 - Tuesday
Life savers.
Such a strong word for another individual. I could be jealous. I could be mad. I could very well be looking way too deep into a situation. Regardless, you're not stupid and you pick your words wisely. You're selective in your friends and those you hold dear. Occasionally, I do regret finding you again. I resent how much I love your smile, eyes, hands, comments, nonchalent attitude, repititive moments, hidden pleasures, and approach to life. Your heart is so big yet you constantly try to keep it from working at full speed. And when you do it is often mis-directed, not on purpose, but you confuse it like me. So I'm gonna let go of being hurt, angry and frustrated. You will be with whoever you choose. You will maintain contact with whatever individuals you find part of your day. You will fuck any female you so desire. And I will have to learn to live with it. Maybe one day my life saver will finally come floating in my direction. Until then...peace.

Determination (edited)
It's been a while and I have been a ghost to most. For those who know me well don't question the occurence. They just wonder when the hell I will finally slow my azz down. Fortunately, my true friends realize I'm back to my focused self and after a few months and severe burnout, I will return to the neighborhood once more. God willing, I can make it through my latest goal. A passion so strong to achieve greatness when so many are pushing for my failure. Maybe it is them who drive me to dwell on making the trek to MD every day. It could be those same people who push me to force myself to work till 9pm every night for months on end. Perhaps their despise challenges me to prove everyone wrong on a daily basis after my few moments of slamming doors and swearing at whoever crosses my path at that time. Long story short, I am unstoppable. At least in my mind. In my heart. And within my possibilities.

August 30, 2007 - Thursday
Completely Lost (Version 2)
You haven't lost anything. Only needing to find your strength. The man who hides within.
Emotions all wrapped in another. Giving them control. Allowing them to expose your limitation.
You invested too little in love. Misplacing your heart along the way. And then she went astray.
Believing you've let it all slip away. Like a thief in the night. Leaving you without any say.

August 24, 2007 - Friday
Simple pain.
Sometimes you feel pain in ways you never expect stemmed by something you never believed would affect you. But it does like burning flames on the bottom of your soles. As if the person you love the most shoots you square in the heart with a 9mm. I am amazed at the amount of fear created when a trusted individual reveals they have been living a lie and acting outlandishy under the pretense of being selfish.

August 22, 2007 - Wednesday
Drinking is bad.
Only when you drink so much you have to get your hotel room re-keyed twice in a night because you lose the stupid cards.
Or when you smell like the liquor you drank because everyone around you is so drunk they spill everything they try to put in their mouth.
The worst is when you run into a wall because you can't find which hall your room exists within.
And to say it sucks to have to listen to executives at 8am when your last alcohol intake is at 3am would be an understatement.
But what may scare me the most is my brain hurting as if I've damaged something permanantely because of the mass amount of cheap azz vodka I was served.
I can say I'm happy I at least remember all these bad things, but unfortunately it will probably not stop me from repeating my behavior in the future.

August 19, 2007 - Sunday
Can’t find words.
I have been drawing a blank for the past week. One of the most emotionally draining experiences has left me yearning for feeling and seeking peace. No one special has died, a close one is not endangered, I am not being hurt by another's actions or reactions. It is a decision I've made that has forced me to think so much I feel as if I simply have no brain cells to spare on the more creative performances I embrace. I pray my hunger returns to express the days of my life.

August 11, 2007 - Saturday
Back 2 Basics
Take care of home. Work smart. Read more. Focus on entrepreneuship. Exercise and dance. Stress less, laugh more.
To start things off, I cut my hair Friday. The shortest ever. I'm feelin' curls and over relaxers.
As I shed the negative and find more positives I hope it all shows through my thoughts and words. Time shall tell...stay tuned for simplicity.

August 2, 2007 - Thursday
Never cease to amaze me.
I had been reminding him for weeks. This one Saturday. I wanted it to be about us. Our time. Together. Here's where I'm wrong. Why I'm an idiot for holding on for dear life. The person I love the most. The one I have been stuck on stupid for. My soul. We're mates. He doesn't want a relationship. Not now. It never ceases to amaze me . The person who claims to love you more than the rest. A being who lifts you up from the lowest point. They can also put you there. Whether unintentionally or without care. Continuously hurting you at the inner core

July 29, 2007 - Sunday
this weekends reality Current mood: scared
i finally agree family does not have to mean blood. when your own sibling, parent, cousin, uncle or long lost god mother could care less about your life, and in fact, could give two shits about whether it is taken, you realize who you can trust and rely on.
i can't thank you enough for holding my hand, caressing my heart, and giving me strength this weekend. you were completely selfless the past few days. i don't know how many other people would react the way you have. i do know i am extremely blessed to have you in my life.