I was unexpectantly strong over Christmas with the help of some friends and especially my family. So thanks to all of you (you know who you are). I hope your day was as blessed as mine.

j

Okay, so it was only a verbal confirmation, but I have officially been accepted into UMass's Professional MBA program. I also got a 100% on my stat final and have pulled off an A for the course. I'm not into myself like that, but I'm pretty damn happy right about now. So we wait for the bus ethics grade (something had to suffer, right?).

On another note, I have a new boss and I guess I'm really not too disappointed about her taking over some of the travel. Maybe...just maybe...I'll have enough time in one city to get to know people and start a relationship...hmmm....except for my next trip is the 11th of January and I just got home the 17th.

GO TO JOHH.ORG NOW!

So I've been in Orlando for the past week and head to Tampa tomorrow for another. I know most people would love to be in my shoes, however there has been no fun and games involved and I'm ready to go home. Two weeks from Christmas and my apartment will have no tree, no lights and no decorations this year. Although Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, this year it will be one that is hard to cope with. For those of you who don't know, I got engaged last year on Christmas morning and have spent the last two Christmas' with one individual and his family. Exactly two weeks from today I will wake up without him by my side and I'm not sure how I will deal, but God will give me the strength to pull through. In fact, He's probably tired of carrying me.

Between now and then (December 20th actually) I will complete two portfolios, a term paper on the ethics of brand advertising to 'tweens' and a final in business statistics. Please wish me good luck :) I will succeed in making it through my first semester in grad school. Let's just hope my poor performance on the GMAT's last Friday will go unnoticed and I will be officially admitted to UMASS's professional MBA program.

I have to admit I am not happy with your inability to answer after 8pm, but then again I am the fool for believing that it was my time to fall into the arms of another. I'm still learning how to find my own happiness, to accept what blessings are handed to me and have enough confidence to reach for those things just beyond my reach. Unfortunately, I shared too much with you. Luckily, it was mostly my outer shell. For the one who really knows me...thanks for your kind words and encouragement this past week. I still worry about you too.

It's been about a month since I last even looked at this website. I seem to surprise myself every time I read my own emotions. Am I too passionate or giving? Do I put too much energy into maintaining relationships? Someone recently told me that I would rather be unhappy than uncomfortable. That's pretty ironic coming from this particular individual, however definitely something I have examined. Since September, I have been in St. Louis and PA and in a couple days I'll be headed to Monterey. Travelling can put life into perspective in its own unique ways, mostly because you have plenty of time to look out the window and reflect. In this process, I've tried sketching my thoughts on paper beginning several verses without any completion, all of which contain the words hope, dreams and prayers in some form. This may just be a coincidence or the fact that I have finally transitioned from feelings of depression to those of confidence and ambition. I only hope that this is true and not a front for what may still be settling in deepest part of my soul.

This is the first night in the new crib when I have felt lonely, like everyone has shut their eyes for the day because they are happy with their accomplishments for the last eight hours. When will I close my lids without fear that something was left undone, unfinished, incomplete.

It is important to remember the little things that put a smile on my face and necessary for me to find the time to do them...thanks ma for the reminder. I am not promised tomorrow and need to savor each moment of every day.

For those trying to keep track....Good Luck

Sept. 8: UMASS MBA classes begin
Sept. 13-16: Quantico, VA
Sept. 14: New York, NY
Sept. 19-24: Anaheim, CA
Sept. 26-30: New Orleans, LA

life takes unlikely
twists and turns
flips me upside down
surprises me at every curve
finding the unknown
without expectations
no longer scared
of my own reflections
imperfection like all
nature and humankind
making each decision
with Him on my mind

Today I've decided on a two year plan that will take me away from this area and in turn you. For those who view my blog it may seem that I am quite possibly obsessed with you, but I've learned my lesson this time. You don't have any intentions of being with me. I am not the one who makes you happy. And there's someone out there for me anyway, right? Well, now is my time to fly free or fall flat on my face. I can no longer depend on you to catch me when my wings get tired and I have a day when the wind doesn't blow in the right direction so I can soar. Please take care of yourself. My heart will always be with you.

As lonely as it may be, the easiest thing for me to do right now is find comfort in another. Yet that would be regressing to my old ways, the very ones that have put me in my situation. It's obvious that you have indulged in another. Whether truly and deeply or simply for fear of feeling the pain I experience. At one time, regardless of what happened between you and I, you were 'done'. I guess that's like many of the statements that have changed.  
 
To anyone who reads this, it's clear I still love you.  Despite your rejections, I want to fall into your arms when I've received bad news or call you on the celly when something great just occurred. And as much as I want to move on, my heart sits in the pit of my stomach waiting for the uncomfortable moment when I pass your new life.

Damn Horoscopes

"Why do you find relationships so difficult, dear Pisces? You know that interactions with others help you to learn and grow. This is the case for everyone. But for you, especially, relationships are important because they help to keep you "grounded." Too often you dream of reality rather than confronting it. Today's aspects are going to insist that you make a greater effort with those people closest to you..."

© 2003 Center.com, Inc. All rights reserved.

02/14 - Never Shared (and never completed)
I searched high and low for the perfect card and the perfect words. Unfortunately, no one at Hallmark can describe my desires or foretell my feelings. The task is left to me. The task of telling my tale in a way that will let you know where my mind has been and where it rests on this day embodied by a chubby cherub who pierces hearts with arrows. Plain and simple, one thing is for sure. I love you. Deeply and truly. I’ve dedicated my heart and soul to a man who gazed into my eyes and asked that I be his wife. A gentleman who I am proud to call my fiancé, a soul I miss every second we are apart and an individual I want to satisfy mentally and physically.

For anyone who has seen our story may think it resembles that of a drama that becomes a romantic comedy with touches of an adventure. We’ve had our ups and downs and continuously share our highs and lows. But now I only hope to find our happy medium. A place where you can experience my endless support, a spot where I can forgive myself for the past and a home where we can embrace one another endlessly. Maybe it is only a fantasy, but if it can exist, it will between you and I.

Lately you’ve asked what you want me to tell those who call on you day and night. Somehow it seems that the very words you refuse to use come naturally towards me. Then I question whether I am being selfish or selfless. I turn outside myself to find the happiness you provide when the anger turns to tears and sadness becomes silence. I understand where your dreams have roamed. I see through your eyes the excitement you feel as your accomplishments come closer to completeness. I can’t fulfill those desires. I can’t attempt to

Yesterday the pain was too much. I still love you and fear my future without you conquering it beside me. As tears stream downward, I know I must move forward. The courage is hidden below the subsurface, covered by hope of your touch once more.

Dwellings (on you)

I guess it was bound to come out in hurtful words strong enough to pierce a knife through me. You lied all along. Declaring your love and promising me forever. Now you share my mistakes like you never made any. My insecurities, fears and expectations ruined our foundation before we could ever build one. I apologize for hurting your soul, leading you to believe I was just another girl who f*cked you. You may never believe the truth after hearing so many lies. Now I only hope your devotion is reciprocated, your dreams supported, your weaknesses complemented and your happiness fulfilled by her.

Have you ever looked into someone's eyes
and wanted to gently fall into their arms
or simply slip into their life?

Have you ever felt that one was so close
only to tear away at a moment's notice
like a pin dropping in a silent room?

Have you ever had your fantasy in your palms
and lost it for fear of holding too tight
or letting them know you wanted a better grip?

It's amazing how my day goes from dark clouds to beautiful rainbows in the matter of seconds. How tears fall in one moment due to deep sadness and another from great joy and excitement. I guess this is part of the growing process, especially learning how to deal with emotions from fear to deep passion. Yesterday, someone reminded me that God makes everything happen when He knows you are ready for it. All I can do is thank God for surrounding me with positive people who can pass on their wisdom and remind me of the virtue of patience. Everything does happen for a reason and every rainbow emerges from a dark cloud.

invisible

Sometimes I wonder if moving far away would reduce the sour taste that remains in the pit of my stomach. I keep thinking that with time, it will get easier. But what do you do when you know running away won't solve the problem or when you don't want to find another soul to simply fill the space of one lost. If only disappearing were an option.

Both feet on the ground (for now)

Returning from yet another journey. For all those who think I'm lucky, I offer my workload for a week. I guarantee by the tenth trip, you'll be longing for anything but road food. You'll appreciate the simplicity of your favorite blanket and the inside of your closet. Living out of a suitcase isn't all it's made out to be.
Both feet on the ground (for now)
Returning from yet another journey. For all those who think I'm lucky, I offer my workload for a week. I guarantee by the tenth trip, you'll be longing for anything but road food. You'll appreciate the simplicity of your favorite blanket and the inside of your closet. Living out of a suitcase isn't all it's made out to be.

Thanks

Ma. You're the best. To hell with anyone who ever told you different.

Dad. I have big shoes to fill. This is only the beginning.

Angel. You've shown me a new world. Thanks for believing in me and always encouraging me to accept every challenge.

Mrs. Paris. Simply an inspiration to all women.

Miss Goody. Thanks for being my girl...Always. To many more years, struggles and triumphs.

Steph. The best listener and a true friend.

Could anyone pull my card any better?

Pisces
February 18 - March 19
Fanaticism or obsessive thinking may be something you need to take a serious look at today, dear Pisces. Common areas for such behaviors are in the pursuit of money, power, success, and romance. There's a fine line between determination and ambition and obsession. If you find that you think of nothing else but one fixation day after day, it may be time to talk with someone about it. They may see what you don't want to see.

© 2003 Center.com, Inc. All rights reserved.

It's true...if you hold your breath long enough, you will turn blue. If nothing more, at least in attitude. And I guess if I bite my tongue for a bit more, it may start to bleed.

It's been quite a while, but I'm back. Nov 10th seems like such a long time ago. So much has changed yet all the time stayed the same. Days will go on and one day...mom will feel better, dad will not have to work so hard and I will find an apartment without a herd of elephants above.