no questions, no regrets

i allowed myself one tear last
night
gently brushing it away with the same fingertip
you kiss
not even posing a few
questions
couldn't possess any
regrets
waking with a slight broken
confidence
yet moving forward in complete
focus
impossible to let go of my
love
i have no questions and no regrets

OOLONG TEA......herbal tea A carrot, an egg, and a cup of Oolong tea...You will never look at a cup of Oolong the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed Oolong tea. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the Oolong out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and Oolong tea," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the Oolong. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The Oolong tea was unique, however. After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water color and taste.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or an Oolong tea? Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the Oolong tea? The tea actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the tea, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a Oolong tea?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Sometimes you step out on faith. Other times it's a new found confidence.

With him it was desire, hope and love. That will never waiver. I wish I could take his regrets and relive the first moment we touched. But this is now and then will never return.

As I make a decision to pursue my professional path I have to search for exactly the same amount of passion. I leave for NY tomorrow knowing I have God's grace. I can't fall, I won't turn back.

I think you may actually love me and fallen as deep as I. But for some reason when I hear your tone over the line you sound less enthusiastic. Maybe I’ve put too much pressure on you for a future. Need I take a step back from the many pushed forward? Shall I be less sensitive to my negative thoughts? Perhaps only time will tell.

In the meantime, know I miss you and wish I could curl into your arms.

MY MBA :)

It's official. I received my diploma on March 7, 2007 and will graduate with a 3.959. I don't think I'm going to the ceremony though. My dad can't come since he has to take care of the farm. I love my mom dearly, but dad-dukes was the power behind my moves. He always challenged me and forced me to prove my abilities to myself. I can't walk across the stage and not have him present. After a tough three years the accomplishment is enough acknowledgment.

emotions.anger.sadness.loneliness.fear.grief.empty. you say tears are for the weak and i know you are watching from above. so i turn my cheek and don't give any of them the satisfaction of seeing me weep.

(A letter to "my 2nd father".)

Hey Crazy Hippie. I had to say good bye to you today. As the tears engulfed my cheeks, trembles controlled my limbs until I thought I would lose consciousness. I kept wishing you were there to say something sarcastic and make me laugh or at least force me to become defensive. But then I guess I wouldn't be mourning. Thank you for showing me the importance of passion, love, friendship, generosity, dedication, hard work, pride and dreams. You are an amazing man and your legacy will live forever. Our family will never be the same without you.

Love always and forever,
Pooki

I think I've lost all creative talent. A friend says I just need to get into a good relationship and all my woes will be solved. I doubt that. Anyway, don't expect any profound words or artistic pieces of work anytime in the near future.

Seriously, VA weather needs to take a turn toward warmer temps so Blockbuster becomes an option, not a necessity.

Today an attempt was made to explain love and being in love to me by a good friend. It's nice to know others believe in love in such a way it keeps them yearning to experience it again and again.
I, for one, would like to fall just once - deeply, unconditionally, everlasting - in love.

Well it's been even longer than the time span between my last posts, but with good reason. I've officially completed my grad school program. Unfortunately the blood, sweat and tears (yes, tears) haven't paid off just yet, but I'm sure in due time (at least, that's what they say). Anyway, here's an update on life - I think I've finally found myself if such an epiphany is really possible. However, knowing what you want out of life and constantly not being able to attain it is almost worse than being completely lost. I've gained so much confidence and yet I seem to hide from the next big steps in life. Being promoted has been bitter sweet as I watch another person take my role as being the one everyone depends on. However, when I was in her place I only resented those who constantly needed me. I suppose this is part of maturing and I need to quickly move on because it wouldn't be such a big deal if I hadn't become so entrenched in my 9-5. All in all though the adjustment has spawned a massive job search throughout the DC area for a marketing gig. Say a little prayer for me. I've met an amazing guy who just so happens to be in another state. Never thought my heart would fill with butterflies again when the phone rang and I saw HIS name on the caller ID. Mom and dad are still supporting me albeit much less than ever before. My older brother is going to jail once again. God be with him because for the first time I believe he may be safer on the streets. Detox alone may kill him. The condo is coming along. I actually have tile floors in the bathroom and no water streaming through my bedroom with every rainfall (long story not worth writing). Stay tuned for brief and possibly humorous tales on the kitchen transformation. So that's it...that's my life right now. Somehow I feel it should be much more interesting.

I realize it has been a loooooooooooooong time. Not many people read this blog so I'm sure I'm not letting anyone down, but I do miss attempts at being creative in showing my emotions without being bold. So I'll dump the latest. I've started seeing someone who literally takes my breath away at every thought. There aren't many who would support my choice, but then the heart stops caring about everyone else at some point.

I guess after you spend so many Saturdays in the house alone, it gets easier to accept that I'm an ol' lady living inside a 25 year old body (okay, after taking a week off the gym, my body feels old too). Sad, I tell ya. But it's not phasing me at all which is a little scary in itself.

I've noticed that I write in this space mostly when I'm unhappy which may explain why their are not entries on a regular basis. Most of the time I am a positive person, but I'm not sure I know how to express it. I've come to the conclusion that I am most passionate about those things I struggle with most. I need to make a resolve to start expressing myself in good and bad times. Most of all, I need to stop focusing on those things that give me the blues.

On that note...I am sooooooooooooooooo excited to have a contract on a condo, especially one that is sure to increase substantially in value in the matter of months! I was seriously contemplating moving south, but have re-examined my options and will be an official home buyer in about five days. Of course, I'm nervous as hell, but it's that good nervousness that makes my stomach tingle not flutter like when I'm taking a big exam (okay so I'm a cornball because I still get anxious over school). Regardless, this is huge news that I can not stop smiling about. I'm sure I'll come off the high soon enough, but for now I'm going to revel in every moment.

i need to admit to the world (especially to all those who think i have my life planned out on a detailed timeline with every milestone) that I have no idea what i want to do "when i grow up"...all i do know is that i want to finish this degree program (which has become a challenge at every turn) and i want to buy a house without resorting to an interest only loan and paying a minimum of $20,000 between what i qualify for and the sale price of the cheapest house i can find outside of sw washington, d.c. (which is nearly impossible). i guess if i wanted things easily within reach i wouldn't be a manigross, but damn!

looking at my blotched toe nails, i realize the need to stop be a frugal ass female and get them professionally done.

looking out the window wanting so much more. exactly what i can not define. people looking in think the world is all mine. truth be told, i lack sleep, fear being alone, and happiness seems so far away.

i pulled off straight a's this semester while landing the job i've wanted to conquer for the last two years. the journal has much potential. hip-hop matters is well on its way.

but none of that makes me smile while i sit here alone at the end of the day. i don't feel fulfilled. my hunger for success is not satisfied. my desire to give love is strong, my ability to accept another weak.

why do i shed tears on the forgotten past. you walked away and never looked back, proclaiming all along that you left your heart with me. i am the fool who believed. you've replaced me in short time notice. i applaud your quickness. with ease you've found your greatest happiness. people tell me chin up. it wasn't right anyway. i'm the only one who never got a say. so i'll shed tears one more night and give into reality without a fight.

Parentals are flying the nest - the new crib http://www.realtor.com/Prop/1043400303

(the pic does not do this house justice!)

One of my co-workers sent the following and I can't help but agree....

"Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head.........."

By Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the
entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.


If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.

Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers.

We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.

You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing. Make sense?

However, our own U.S. Congress voted themselves a raise. Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month.

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.