Love is strange.
It comes in the midnight hour, a thief of sorts. Makes me feel scared and alone while all along I have a deep happiness. I want it so bad while wishing it away like the plague.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
A Visit from the Pope
For some reason I'm neither entertained nor amused by all the hype surrounding the Pope's visit to the DC metro area. It's quite strange. I grew up Catholic somewhat by choice, but I learned a long time ago to never worship another individual. I have faith in God, he is my higher being. Others can choose what/who they believe in as I have no right to judge anyone. I just simply can't get wrapped in the zoo surrounding a so-called historic event. For me, tomorrow is a day to be grateful to be alive, not a few hours of attempting to chase down the pope mobile.
For some reason I'm neither entertained nor amused by all the hype surrounding the Pope's visit to the DC metro area. It's quite strange. I grew up Catholic somewhat by choice, but I learned a long time ago to never worship another individual. I have faith in God, he is my higher being. Others can choose what/who they believe in as I have no right to judge anyone. I just simply can't get wrapped in the zoo surrounding a so-called historic event. For me, tomorrow is a day to be grateful to be alive, not a few hours of attempting to chase down the pope mobile.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
From the pages Complex Words. Simple Thoughts.
April 13, 2008 - Sunday
To the Point Current mood: indifferent
You make me smile
Laugh at every frame
Snuggle beside you
In comfort and pain
But you walked away
Looking back in disguise
I can no longer want him
Or believe in simple lies
April 4, 2008 - Friday
Just like that. Current mood: blessed
I hope and hope
For one who sees me
Me and who I hope to be
Over time I’ve found my soul
And you were the beginning
My discovery is the woman I know
With hope and ambition
Strong willed and putting up a fight
Seeing everything I need to be me
Maybe one day you will too
Believe in all I can be
To know exactly what you’ve let fly free
March 22, 2008 - Saturday
To Annabelle Bielec Current mood: sad
Baby girl,
You were loved before you entered this place we call earth. Your parents had the best intentions when risking everything to create you. Please know the big brothers thinking of you in the hospital were more than the two of your blood. They were ten-fold. And your sisters couldn’t wait to hold your tiny hand. For some reason we never had the great opportunity to touch your frail body and whisper words of encouragement. You put in a tough fight though so I know you felt our strength. Now you watch us from above. I only hope we can continue your battle with such determination for the life each of us has been granted.
We love you always.
February 3, 2008 - Sunday
If I could.
If I could give you one thing it would be all my happiness of seeing your smile, your sexiness in the simplicity of your walk, and your hunger for writing words prolific in effect. If I could I'd dance with you till the morning light in a dim lit spot with your fingers on my hips and your head gently resting as your lips touch my skin. If I could show you the world from a much gentler view where things are easier than your own experiences and your burdens would not be so much to bear.If I could I'd stay with your forever with our passion so deep only those who know us as individuals would understand why we can be together with complete peace.If I could tell you how much my love is unwavering and will never be less than perfect then I wouldn't be writing these words in silence.
January 15, 2008 - Tuesday
A plea of happiness.
Mysteriously I'm able to stay up late but only by your side
and sleep so peacefully with your hand on my thigh.
Every morning just seems to get better and better
with life becoming so simple while we're together.
Secrets seem dark and never needed to last
even though you or I may not be proud of our past.
And our story seems to get more interesting over time
all along I've hoped deep in my heart you'd be mine.
Please let's follow the path of our great destiny
showing the world the great love between you and me.
January 8, 2008 - Tuesday
Simply Stated
I love you in the evening when you touch my soul with your finger tips. I feel you at night with your palm on my lower back. I want you all day and dream of our next moment in time.
December 31, 2007 - Monday
2007 comes to a close (final as I leave it all behind) Current mood: confident
So the end of '07 is here. It's been an interesting year.
Let's start in January when I was a new graduate of UMASS' MBA program and full of energy to take on the world. My job once again sucked the life out of me and by March I think I had only three days off. I celebrated my 27th birthday in top fashion and had reconnected with who I thought was my soul mate. Then my second father was taken during a cold, icy storm. A deep depression came over me and I decided it was a time for change. I found a marketing gig, but once again Freeman convinced me of my potential career. The same night my mom almost lost her life to a heart attack. I was reminded tomorrow is never promised and permenantely changed my temper and outlook on life. I found Tony (my brother) and then he disappeared once more. Quickly I learned sometimes you can love someone with all your heart doesn't mean they will love you in return and even if they do they may not want the same things as you in life. I went off to NY for five weeks to return to Bear's (my first dog) death. I saw my first NFL game and finally started cheering for the Skins even though I still love my birds. In October I lost another soul who I wept over for days in deep despair and pain. The rest of the year was capped off by many trips, including a leadership summit in Dallas, 23 days in Chicago, and a 24 hour adventure to Las Vegas (yes, all for business).
With the year behind me I will move forward with little resolution, but to make sure every decision I makethis year is one I am happy with. Whether professional or personal I will make choices (whether small daily ones or long term) to make myself a stronger individual for those I care and love.
Random side note: hopfully I will sell my condo too :)
December 9, 2007 - Sunday
my dilemma
wanting so much more. and not knowing how to get it. having no starting point.only hoping for a final destination. yearning so much. with nothing to grasp but faith.
November 4, 2007 - Sunday
Hoping for more, wishing for the best.
Something unfortunate has happened and I'm not sure how I press forward without a glitch. I thank God for my father being such a hard azz when I was younger and for both of my parents allowing me to make my own mistakes. Otherwise I'm sure the last couple months would have proven me as a total failure. I'm also fortunate I have a few supportive friends who accept me for who I am and the personal choices I've made. Most of them don't have a crazy schedule like I, but they understand I have certain obligations that have no benefits to anyone at the present time except the company I slave for.
Regardless, I hope for a long-awaited turnaround in the very near future. It's make or break time. Whatever is meant to be shall be seen.
October 20, 2007 - Saturday
Just when you think you know...
People never cease to amaze me, but why I allow them to complicate my thoughts I have no clue. Even individuals I believe have my best interest at heart or others who really have my back tend to push me to a limit where I lose all sense of trust and sensibility. I perform best under extreme conditions so maybe there is a purpose behind their approach. However, simple decisions and explanations would make my days much better.
September 25, 2007 - Tuesday
Life savers.
Such a strong word for another individual. I could be jealous. I could be mad. I could very well be looking way too deep into a situation. Regardless, you're not stupid and you pick your words wisely. You're selective in your friends and those you hold dear. Occasionally, I do regret finding you again. I resent how much I love your smile, eyes, hands, comments, nonchalent attitude, repititive moments, hidden pleasures, and approach to life. Your heart is so big yet you constantly try to keep it from working at full speed. And when you do it is often mis-directed, not on purpose, but you confuse it like me. So I'm gonna let go of being hurt, angry and frustrated. You will be with whoever you choose. You will maintain contact with whatever individuals you find part of your day. You will fuck any female you so desire. And I will have to learn to live with it. Maybe one day my life saver will finally come floating in my direction. Until then...peace.
Determination (edited)
It's been a while and I have been a ghost to most. For those who know me well don't question the occurence. They just wonder when the hell I will finally slow my azz down. Fortunately, my true friends realize I'm back to my focused self and after a few months and severe burnout, I will return to the neighborhood once more. God willing, I can make it through my latest goal. A passion so strong to achieve greatness when so many are pushing for my failure. Maybe it is them who drive me to dwell on making the trek to MD every day. It could be those same people who push me to force myself to work till 9pm every night for months on end. Perhaps their despise challenges me to prove everyone wrong on a daily basis after my few moments of slamming doors and swearing at whoever crosses my path at that time. Long story short, I am unstoppable. At least in my mind. In my heart. And within my possibilities.
August 30, 2007 - Thursday
Completely Lost (Version 2)
You haven't lost anything. Only needing to find your strength. The man who hides within.
Emotions all wrapped in another. Giving them control. Allowing them to expose your limitation.
You invested too little in love. Misplacing your heart along the way. And then she went astray.
Believing you've let it all slip away. Like a thief in the night. Leaving you without any say.
August 24, 2007 - Friday
Simple pain.
Sometimes you feel pain in ways you never expect stemmed by something you never believed would affect you. But it does like burning flames on the bottom of your soles. As if the person you love the most shoots you square in the heart with a 9mm. I am amazed at the amount of fear created when a trusted individual reveals they have been living a lie and acting outlandishy under the pretense of being selfish.
August 22, 2007 - Wednesday
Drinking is bad.
Only when you drink so much you have to get your hotel room re-keyed twice in a night because you lose the stupid cards.
Or when you smell like the liquor you drank because everyone around you is so drunk they spill everything they try to put in their mouth.
The worst is when you run into a wall because you can't find which hall your room exists within.
And to say it sucks to have to listen to executives at 8am when your last alcohol intake is at 3am would be an understatement.
But what may scare me the most is my brain hurting as if I've damaged something permanantely because of the mass amount of cheap azz vodka I was served.
I can say I'm happy I at least remember all these bad things, but unfortunately it will probably not stop me from repeating my behavior in the future.
August 19, 2007 - Sunday
Can’t find words.
I have been drawing a blank for the past week. One of the most emotionally draining experiences has left me yearning for feeling and seeking peace. No one special has died, a close one is not endangered, I am not being hurt by another's actions or reactions. It is a decision I've made that has forced me to think so much I feel as if I simply have no brain cells to spare on the more creative performances I embrace. I pray my hunger returns to express the days of my life.
August 11, 2007 - Saturday
Back 2 Basics
Take care of home. Work smart. Read more. Focus on entrepreneuship. Exercise and dance. Stress less, laugh more.
To start things off, I cut my hair Friday. The shortest ever. I'm feelin' curls and over relaxers.
As I shed the negative and find more positives I hope it all shows through my thoughts and words. Time shall tell...stay tuned for simplicity.
August 2, 2007 - Thursday
Never cease to amaze me.
I had been reminding him for weeks. This one Saturday. I wanted it to be about us. Our time. Together. Here's where I'm wrong. Why I'm an idiot for holding on for dear life. The person I love the most. The one I have been stuck on stupid for. My soul. We're mates. He doesn't want a relationship. Not now. It never ceases to amaze me . The person who claims to love you more than the rest. A being who lifts you up from the lowest point. They can also put you there. Whether unintentionally or without care. Continuously hurting you at the inner core
July 29, 2007 - Sunday
this weekends reality Current mood: scared
i finally agree family does not have to mean blood. when your own sibling, parent, cousin, uncle or long lost god mother could care less about your life, and in fact, could give two shits about whether it is taken, you realize who you can trust and rely on.
i can't thank you enough for holding my hand, caressing my heart, and giving me strength this weekend. you were completely selfless the past few days. i don't know how many other people would react the way you have. i do know i am extremely blessed to have you in my life.
April 13, 2008 - Sunday
To the Point Current mood: indifferent
You make me smile
Laugh at every frame
Snuggle beside you
In comfort and pain
But you walked away
Looking back in disguise
I can no longer want him
Or believe in simple lies
April 4, 2008 - Friday
Just like that. Current mood: blessed
I hope and hope
For one who sees me
Me and who I hope to be
Over time I’ve found my soul
And you were the beginning
My discovery is the woman I know
With hope and ambition
Strong willed and putting up a fight
Seeing everything I need to be me
Maybe one day you will too
Believe in all I can be
To know exactly what you’ve let fly free
March 22, 2008 - Saturday
To Annabelle Bielec Current mood: sad
Baby girl,
You were loved before you entered this place we call earth. Your parents had the best intentions when risking everything to create you. Please know the big brothers thinking of you in the hospital were more than the two of your blood. They were ten-fold. And your sisters couldn’t wait to hold your tiny hand. For some reason we never had the great opportunity to touch your frail body and whisper words of encouragement. You put in a tough fight though so I know you felt our strength. Now you watch us from above. I only hope we can continue your battle with such determination for the life each of us has been granted.
We love you always.
February 3, 2008 - Sunday
If I could.
If I could give you one thing it would be all my happiness of seeing your smile, your sexiness in the simplicity of your walk, and your hunger for writing words prolific in effect. If I could I'd dance with you till the morning light in a dim lit spot with your fingers on my hips and your head gently resting as your lips touch my skin. If I could show you the world from a much gentler view where things are easier than your own experiences and your burdens would not be so much to bear.If I could I'd stay with your forever with our passion so deep only those who know us as individuals would understand why we can be together with complete peace.If I could tell you how much my love is unwavering and will never be less than perfect then I wouldn't be writing these words in silence.
January 15, 2008 - Tuesday
A plea of happiness.
Mysteriously I'm able to stay up late but only by your side
and sleep so peacefully with your hand on my thigh.
Every morning just seems to get better and better
with life becoming so simple while we're together.
Secrets seem dark and never needed to last
even though you or I may not be proud of our past.
And our story seems to get more interesting over time
all along I've hoped deep in my heart you'd be mine.
Please let's follow the path of our great destiny
showing the world the great love between you and me.
January 8, 2008 - Tuesday
Simply Stated
I love you in the evening when you touch my soul with your finger tips. I feel you at night with your palm on my lower back. I want you all day and dream of our next moment in time.
December 31, 2007 - Monday
2007 comes to a close (final as I leave it all behind) Current mood: confident
So the end of '07 is here. It's been an interesting year.
Let's start in January when I was a new graduate of UMASS' MBA program and full of energy to take on the world. My job once again sucked the life out of me and by March I think I had only three days off. I celebrated my 27th birthday in top fashion and had reconnected with who I thought was my soul mate. Then my second father was taken during a cold, icy storm. A deep depression came over me and I decided it was a time for change. I found a marketing gig, but once again Freeman convinced me of my potential career. The same night my mom almost lost her life to a heart attack. I was reminded tomorrow is never promised and permenantely changed my temper and outlook on life. I found Tony (my brother) and then he disappeared once more. Quickly I learned sometimes you can love someone with all your heart doesn't mean they will love you in return and even if they do they may not want the same things as you in life. I went off to NY for five weeks to return to Bear's (my first dog) death. I saw my first NFL game and finally started cheering for the Skins even though I still love my birds. In October I lost another soul who I wept over for days in deep despair and pain. The rest of the year was capped off by many trips, including a leadership summit in Dallas, 23 days in Chicago, and a 24 hour adventure to Las Vegas (yes, all for business).
With the year behind me I will move forward with little resolution, but to make sure every decision I makethis year is one I am happy with. Whether professional or personal I will make choices (whether small daily ones or long term) to make myself a stronger individual for those I care and love.
Random side note: hopfully I will sell my condo too :)
December 9, 2007 - Sunday
my dilemma
wanting so much more. and not knowing how to get it. having no starting point.only hoping for a final destination. yearning so much. with nothing to grasp but faith.
November 4, 2007 - Sunday
Hoping for more, wishing for the best.
Something unfortunate has happened and I'm not sure how I press forward without a glitch. I thank God for my father being such a hard azz when I was younger and for both of my parents allowing me to make my own mistakes. Otherwise I'm sure the last couple months would have proven me as a total failure. I'm also fortunate I have a few supportive friends who accept me for who I am and the personal choices I've made. Most of them don't have a crazy schedule like I, but they understand I have certain obligations that have no benefits to anyone at the present time except the company I slave for.
Regardless, I hope for a long-awaited turnaround in the very near future. It's make or break time. Whatever is meant to be shall be seen.
October 20, 2007 - Saturday
Just when you think you know...
People never cease to amaze me, but why I allow them to complicate my thoughts I have no clue. Even individuals I believe have my best interest at heart or others who really have my back tend to push me to a limit where I lose all sense of trust and sensibility. I perform best under extreme conditions so maybe there is a purpose behind their approach. However, simple decisions and explanations would make my days much better.
September 25, 2007 - Tuesday
Life savers.
Such a strong word for another individual. I could be jealous. I could be mad. I could very well be looking way too deep into a situation. Regardless, you're not stupid and you pick your words wisely. You're selective in your friends and those you hold dear. Occasionally, I do regret finding you again. I resent how much I love your smile, eyes, hands, comments, nonchalent attitude, repititive moments, hidden pleasures, and approach to life. Your heart is so big yet you constantly try to keep it from working at full speed. And when you do it is often mis-directed, not on purpose, but you confuse it like me. So I'm gonna let go of being hurt, angry and frustrated. You will be with whoever you choose. You will maintain contact with whatever individuals you find part of your day. You will fuck any female you so desire. And I will have to learn to live with it. Maybe one day my life saver will finally come floating in my direction. Until then...peace.
Determination (edited)
It's been a while and I have been a ghost to most. For those who know me well don't question the occurence. They just wonder when the hell I will finally slow my azz down. Fortunately, my true friends realize I'm back to my focused self and after a few months and severe burnout, I will return to the neighborhood once more. God willing, I can make it through my latest goal. A passion so strong to achieve greatness when so many are pushing for my failure. Maybe it is them who drive me to dwell on making the trek to MD every day. It could be those same people who push me to force myself to work till 9pm every night for months on end. Perhaps their despise challenges me to prove everyone wrong on a daily basis after my few moments of slamming doors and swearing at whoever crosses my path at that time. Long story short, I am unstoppable. At least in my mind. In my heart. And within my possibilities.
August 30, 2007 - Thursday
Completely Lost (Version 2)
You haven't lost anything. Only needing to find your strength. The man who hides within.
Emotions all wrapped in another. Giving them control. Allowing them to expose your limitation.
You invested too little in love. Misplacing your heart along the way. And then she went astray.
Believing you've let it all slip away. Like a thief in the night. Leaving you without any say.
August 24, 2007 - Friday
Simple pain.
Sometimes you feel pain in ways you never expect stemmed by something you never believed would affect you. But it does like burning flames on the bottom of your soles. As if the person you love the most shoots you square in the heart with a 9mm. I am amazed at the amount of fear created when a trusted individual reveals they have been living a lie and acting outlandishy under the pretense of being selfish.
August 22, 2007 - Wednesday
Drinking is bad.
Only when you drink so much you have to get your hotel room re-keyed twice in a night because you lose the stupid cards.
Or when you smell like the liquor you drank because everyone around you is so drunk they spill everything they try to put in their mouth.
The worst is when you run into a wall because you can't find which hall your room exists within.
And to say it sucks to have to listen to executives at 8am when your last alcohol intake is at 3am would be an understatement.
But what may scare me the most is my brain hurting as if I've damaged something permanantely because of the mass amount of cheap azz vodka I was served.
I can say I'm happy I at least remember all these bad things, but unfortunately it will probably not stop me from repeating my behavior in the future.
August 19, 2007 - Sunday
Can’t find words.
I have been drawing a blank for the past week. One of the most emotionally draining experiences has left me yearning for feeling and seeking peace. No one special has died, a close one is not endangered, I am not being hurt by another's actions or reactions. It is a decision I've made that has forced me to think so much I feel as if I simply have no brain cells to spare on the more creative performances I embrace. I pray my hunger returns to express the days of my life.
August 11, 2007 - Saturday
Back 2 Basics
Take care of home. Work smart. Read more. Focus on entrepreneuship. Exercise and dance. Stress less, laugh more.
To start things off, I cut my hair Friday. The shortest ever. I'm feelin' curls and over relaxers.
As I shed the negative and find more positives I hope it all shows through my thoughts and words. Time shall tell...stay tuned for simplicity.
August 2, 2007 - Thursday
Never cease to amaze me.
I had been reminding him for weeks. This one Saturday. I wanted it to be about us. Our time. Together. Here's where I'm wrong. Why I'm an idiot for holding on for dear life. The person I love the most. The one I have been stuck on stupid for. My soul. We're mates. He doesn't want a relationship. Not now. It never ceases to amaze me . The person who claims to love you more than the rest. A being who lifts you up from the lowest point. They can also put you there. Whether unintentionally or without care. Continuously hurting you at the inner core
July 29, 2007 - Sunday
this weekends reality Current mood: scared
i finally agree family does not have to mean blood. when your own sibling, parent, cousin, uncle or long lost god mother could care less about your life, and in fact, could give two shits about whether it is taken, you realize who you can trust and rely on.
i can't thank you enough for holding my hand, caressing my heart, and giving me strength this weekend. you were completely selfless the past few days. i don't know how many other people would react the way you have. i do know i am extremely blessed to have you in my life.
O-My-Damn Blog
The old entries were never lost (but have been abbreviated for the sake of all).
July 22, 2007 - Sunday
Beyond Myself
Pain overcomes me like never before
Looking for light behind a closed door
Hoping for someone to relinguish my heart
Never thinking you and I would be apart
July 20, 2007 - Friday
No more.
Do you ever wish you could have something just beyond your threshold? Reach out and have it fall into your palms? Feel a tingle throughout your entire body as you wrap your fingers around it? Right at the very moment you need it most?
July 10, 2007 - Tuesday
This is my pain.
Current mood: lethargic
If you thought before I felt pain you can't imagine my soul now. Silently I'll move onward, but never straying from the heart of the matter. Simple love turned inward to complex subjects. Thinking all along this would be a new story and in reality it was only a different narrator.
July 7, 2007 - Saturday
Saying good bye.
Current mood: sad
He sat by my side when pops and the kid yelled and threw furniture across the room downstairs. He quietly snuggled in my arms when the cops came through the crib. He felt my terror without hesitation and took it on as his own as a pistol rested on my temple. The things he has seen. The moments he's experienced. He knew I needed him and stayed strong till he knew I was ready to move forward with clarity and focus, not distractions from the past. He waited for me to be prepared to manage the next big blow without his presence. I take his passing as a sign God has made me stonger than ever before. Although I dare not speak his name, I couldn't have more love and respect. We'll miss you little man. No day will ever be the same without you.
July 4, 2007 - Wednesday
Strength and Courage
Current mood: indescribable
Everyone always applauds how strong I am. They praise my courage, independence and audacity. Yet sometimes I want to be weak. Admittance of my fears and shedding my tears may do this chic some good.
July 2, 2007 - Monday
His Pain
Current mood: blank
Contrary to a post this weekend, feeling are not for the weak and lonely. Tomorrow you could be gone and nothing pains me more. However his grief has me numb. His trembling voice scares me to death and it is the end bringing him to his knees. I need you so much right now and can't ask for your presence. The man who has stood in front of me my entire life steadfast and unwavered quivers as he writes. How can I be strong? Why can't I for once rely on another? There are no more tears. I lack all words. Tomorrow shall come and just maybe I'll find the wind at my wings once more. But if not, if I should not fly, I will always love you.
June 4, 2007 - Monday
Not such a funny little thing called love.
Current mood: discontent
Just because you love someone doesn't mean they will love you in return. If they do, they may not love you equally. And they could love you equally but in another way. A few days ago I finally let this reality reach into my soul and take grip of my heart.
May 30, 2007 - Wednesday
May 23rd, 8:58pm
Current mood: blessed
Category: blessed Life
I heard his voice on the other line, sobbing, hysterical, scarred, and couldn't even recognize the composed father I had always known. He blurted out, "You're mom had a heart attack." and he kept repeating he couldn't find my phone number like he was lost. I didn't know how to respond or what to do. I told him I was on my way, got off the phone and tears began pouring down my face. My parents live in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Orange County, VA, and my mom was taken via helicopter to UVa hospital. I called two people who quickly got directions and kept in contact with me during my entire commute as I continued to pray for her to be alive. I asked God to take me instead of my mom because I didn't want to be without her. Twenty miles from UVa I got the call she was stable and to go back to my parent's home until morning. I watched the clock until 6am rolled around and I could prepare for one of many visits to the hospital.
I learned they lost my mom entirely on the table twice. Once during the heart attack and a second time while placing a stint in her artery. I can not thank everyone from God, the doctors and nurses at Culpepper and UVa hospitals, my father who drove like hell to get my mom to the emergency room in the knick of time, all those who have sent card, flowers and many prayers across miles, and most of all my mom who has been a warrier in fighting to survive.
I love you beautiful lady and am blessed to have you in my life.
May 23, 2007 - Wednesday
A Force of Nature
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
From the first moment you walked into my life that March afternoon I loved you. I was scared, but you eased all my fears within minutes. It was an instant connection that has developed into the strongest friendship I've ever experienced.
I am confident in being able to take on the challenges before me, but you make me better. I can't thank you enough for dealing so patiently with my latest episode of indecisiveness. Although it was not a negative problem you helped me through a crossroad in my life.
Regardless of money, time, distance or differences, you are my heart, soul and everything. Thank you for finally showing me what true happiness is about. I will always love you.
May 22, 2007 - Tuesday
My dad's words of encouragement.
Current mood: scared
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
I can't help but love him more than any one (except you superman because you are amazing) despite the past. He is my cheerleader while also being my mentor and confidant. His respect for me and my choices means the world to me and today he helped me sort through the most decision in my life to date. He ended it all by stating, "What makes you – you --- is that once you make up your mind and focus – great things happen.". This is coming from a man who does not believe at all in blowing smoke up someone's ass. Thank you dad. I only hope I can be half the (wo)man you are.
May 9, 2007 - Wednesday
What I can't wait for....
Current mood: grateful
Category: Travel and Places
To see mom, dad, grandma and grandpa this weekend! It's been months since I've seen the fam and spent time down on the farm (those of you who know me know all about this city girl's country side). I might even have some new pics :)
A second (and very late) reaction.
Current mood: determined
Category: Life
I think I thanked you previously, but I want you to realize your consistent and complete confidence in me has always been a motivation. You continue to know me like only few ever will despite your distance. Your belief in my strength got me through a very tough time in my life. More trials are on the near horizon and I will try my best to be strong, but it helps to know your soul is watching over from afar and making sure I always fly.
March 26, 2007 - Monday
Track 11
Current mood: calm
Category: Music
You are my lullaby. Putting me at ease. Giving me peace.
March 12, 2007 - Monday
A Mystery.
Current mood: calm
Category: Life
A mystery.
Was it a missed opportunity or an unconquered mission? Is this a second chance at a long lost possibility?
I find myself in your arms with your fingers touching my soul. It's melting in the notion of being your true love.
March 1, 2007 - Thursday
An Amazing Moment
Current mood: happy
Category: Life
February 27, 2007 - I felt an unborn baby kick for the first time.
What can be more amazing than a new life developing under the palm of your hand?
February 28, 2007 - Wednesday
Favorite Quote Vault
Current mood: lethargic
Category: Blogging
A woman who is convinced that she deserves to accept only the best challenges herself to give the best. Then she is living phenomenally. (M.Angelou)
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. (M. Angelou)
Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. (L. Hughes)
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
"Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. (T. Roosevelt)"
February 25, 2007 - Sunday
What is Love (a work in progress)
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life
Love
It sneaks up
Attacks in the dark
Creeps in the soul
Engulfs the heart
Diminishes insecurities
Settles into thought
Gives the best of life
Finds emotion sought
February 21, 2007 - Wednesday
Thank You - a first reaction
Current mood: exhausted
I'm grateful to be a recipient of your prose. Your words are worth gold. A lot of truth with just enough grace. I miss them often.
February 17, 2007 - Saturday
Death
Current mood: sad
The phone rang. You're gone. The tears pour on.
Thank you for everything you've done. The words of encouragement. The challenges so I could grow. You've given me knowledge to carry with me the rest of my life. Until I see you again. I will always remember you. I will always love you.
The old entries were never lost (but have been abbreviated for the sake of all).
July 22, 2007 - Sunday
Beyond Myself
Pain overcomes me like never before
Looking for light behind a closed door
Hoping for someone to relinguish my heart
Never thinking you and I would be apart
July 20, 2007 - Friday
No more.
Do you ever wish you could have something just beyond your threshold? Reach out and have it fall into your palms? Feel a tingle throughout your entire body as you wrap your fingers around it? Right at the very moment you need it most?
July 10, 2007 - Tuesday
This is my pain.
Current mood: lethargic
If you thought before I felt pain you can't imagine my soul now. Silently I'll move onward, but never straying from the heart of the matter. Simple love turned inward to complex subjects. Thinking all along this would be a new story and in reality it was only a different narrator.
July 7, 2007 - Saturday
Saying good bye.
Current mood: sad
He sat by my side when pops and the kid yelled and threw furniture across the room downstairs. He quietly snuggled in my arms when the cops came through the crib. He felt my terror without hesitation and took it on as his own as a pistol rested on my temple. The things he has seen. The moments he's experienced. He knew I needed him and stayed strong till he knew I was ready to move forward with clarity and focus, not distractions from the past. He waited for me to be prepared to manage the next big blow without his presence. I take his passing as a sign God has made me stonger than ever before. Although I dare not speak his name, I couldn't have more love and respect. We'll miss you little man. No day will ever be the same without you.
July 4, 2007 - Wednesday
Strength and Courage
Current mood: indescribable
Everyone always applauds how strong I am. They praise my courage, independence and audacity. Yet sometimes I want to be weak. Admittance of my fears and shedding my tears may do this chic some good.
July 2, 2007 - Monday
His Pain
Current mood: blank
Contrary to a post this weekend, feeling are not for the weak and lonely. Tomorrow you could be gone and nothing pains me more. However his grief has me numb. His trembling voice scares me to death and it is the end bringing him to his knees. I need you so much right now and can't ask for your presence. The man who has stood in front of me my entire life steadfast and unwavered quivers as he writes. How can I be strong? Why can't I for once rely on another? There are no more tears. I lack all words. Tomorrow shall come and just maybe I'll find the wind at my wings once more. But if not, if I should not fly, I will always love you.
June 4, 2007 - Monday
Not such a funny little thing called love.
Current mood: discontent
Just because you love someone doesn't mean they will love you in return. If they do, they may not love you equally. And they could love you equally but in another way. A few days ago I finally let this reality reach into my soul and take grip of my heart.
May 30, 2007 - Wednesday
May 23rd, 8:58pm
Current mood: blessed
Category: blessed Life
I heard his voice on the other line, sobbing, hysterical, scarred, and couldn't even recognize the composed father I had always known. He blurted out, "You're mom had a heart attack." and he kept repeating he couldn't find my phone number like he was lost. I didn't know how to respond or what to do. I told him I was on my way, got off the phone and tears began pouring down my face. My parents live in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Orange County, VA, and my mom was taken via helicopter to UVa hospital. I called two people who quickly got directions and kept in contact with me during my entire commute as I continued to pray for her to be alive. I asked God to take me instead of my mom because I didn't want to be without her. Twenty miles from UVa I got the call she was stable and to go back to my parent's home until morning. I watched the clock until 6am rolled around and I could prepare for one of many visits to the hospital.
I learned they lost my mom entirely on the table twice. Once during the heart attack and a second time while placing a stint in her artery. I can not thank everyone from God, the doctors and nurses at Culpepper and UVa hospitals, my father who drove like hell to get my mom to the emergency room in the knick of time, all those who have sent card, flowers and many prayers across miles, and most of all my mom who has been a warrier in fighting to survive.
I love you beautiful lady and am blessed to have you in my life.
May 23, 2007 - Wednesday
A Force of Nature
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
From the first moment you walked into my life that March afternoon I loved you. I was scared, but you eased all my fears within minutes. It was an instant connection that has developed into the strongest friendship I've ever experienced.
I am confident in being able to take on the challenges before me, but you make me better. I can't thank you enough for dealing so patiently with my latest episode of indecisiveness. Although it was not a negative problem you helped me through a crossroad in my life.
Regardless of money, time, distance or differences, you are my heart, soul and everything. Thank you for finally showing me what true happiness is about. I will always love you.
May 22, 2007 - Tuesday
My dad's words of encouragement.
Current mood: scared
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
I can't help but love him more than any one (except you superman because you are amazing) despite the past. He is my cheerleader while also being my mentor and confidant. His respect for me and my choices means the world to me and today he helped me sort through the most decision in my life to date. He ended it all by stating, "What makes you – you --- is that once you make up your mind and focus – great things happen.". This is coming from a man who does not believe at all in blowing smoke up someone's ass. Thank you dad. I only hope I can be half the (wo)man you are.
May 9, 2007 - Wednesday
What I can't wait for....
Current mood: grateful
Category: Travel and Places
To see mom, dad, grandma and grandpa this weekend! It's been months since I've seen the fam and spent time down on the farm (those of you who know me know all about this city girl's country side). I might even have some new pics :)
A second (and very late) reaction.
Current mood: determined
Category: Life
I think I thanked you previously, but I want you to realize your consistent and complete confidence in me has always been a motivation. You continue to know me like only few ever will despite your distance. Your belief in my strength got me through a very tough time in my life. More trials are on the near horizon and I will try my best to be strong, but it helps to know your soul is watching over from afar and making sure I always fly.
March 26, 2007 - Monday
Track 11
Current mood: calm
Category: Music
You are my lullaby. Putting me at ease. Giving me peace.
March 12, 2007 - Monday
A Mystery.
Current mood: calm
Category: Life
A mystery.
Was it a missed opportunity or an unconquered mission? Is this a second chance at a long lost possibility?
I find myself in your arms with your fingers touching my soul. It's melting in the notion of being your true love.
March 1, 2007 - Thursday
An Amazing Moment
Current mood: happy
Category: Life
February 27, 2007 - I felt an unborn baby kick for the first time.
What can be more amazing than a new life developing under the palm of your hand?
February 28, 2007 - Wednesday
Favorite Quote Vault
Current mood: lethargic
Category: Blogging
A woman who is convinced that she deserves to accept only the best challenges herself to give the best. Then she is living phenomenally. (M.Angelou)
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. (M. Angelou)
Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. (L. Hughes)
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
"Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. (T. Roosevelt)"
February 25, 2007 - Sunday
What is Love (a work in progress)
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life
Love
It sneaks up
Attacks in the dark
Creeps in the soul
Engulfs the heart
Diminishes insecurities
Settles into thought
Gives the best of life
Finds emotion sought
February 21, 2007 - Wednesday
Thank You - a first reaction
Current mood: exhausted
I'm grateful to be a recipient of your prose. Your words are worth gold. A lot of truth with just enough grace. I miss them often.
February 17, 2007 - Saturday
Death
Current mood: sad
The phone rang. You're gone. The tears pour on.
Thank you for everything you've done. The words of encouragement. The challenges so I could grow. You've given me knowledge to carry with me the rest of my life. Until I see you again. I will always remember you. I will always love you.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
What is love?
My completely random answers:
Your heart skips a beat at the very thought of him. He grins every time he sees you.
You miss him snoring next to you. He checks on you throughout the night as you rest peacefully.
Both individuals know when the other needs some quiet time. No arguments arise.
Little bad habits don't annoy you. Relaxation is second nature in his presence.
When he lets you act a fool because you're nervous. You would never disrespect him in public.
He wants you in sweats and a Timbs. You always want to look good when he's around.
You always think of his needs. He always acts surprised when you do little things from him.
My completely random answers:
Your heart skips a beat at the very thought of him. He grins every time he sees you.
You miss him snoring next to you. He checks on you throughout the night as you rest peacefully.
Both individuals know when the other needs some quiet time. No arguments arise.
Little bad habits don't annoy you. Relaxation is second nature in his presence.
When he lets you act a fool because you're nervous. You would never disrespect him in public.
He wants you in sweats and a Timbs. You always want to look good when he's around.
You always think of his needs. He always acts surprised when you do little things from him.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
no questions, no regrets
i allowed myself one tear last
night
gently brushing it away with the same fingertip
you kiss
not even posing a few
questions
couldn't possess any
regrets
waking with a slight broken
confidence
yet moving forward in complete
focus
impossible to let go of my
love
i have no questions and no regrets
i allowed myself one tear last
night
gently brushing it away with the same fingertip
you kiss
not even posing a few
questions
couldn't possess any
regrets
waking with a slight broken
confidence
yet moving forward in complete
focus
impossible to let go of my
love
i have no questions and no regrets
Sunday, June 10, 2007
OOLONG TEA......herbal tea A carrot, an egg, and a cup of Oolong tea...You will never look at a cup of Oolong the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed Oolong tea. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the Oolong out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and Oolong tea," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the Oolong. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The Oolong tea was unique, however. After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water color and taste.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or an Oolong tea? Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the Oolong tea? The tea actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the tea, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a Oolong tea?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed Oolong tea. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the Oolong out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and Oolong tea," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the Oolong. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The Oolong tea was unique, however. After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water color and taste.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or an Oolong tea? Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the Oolong tea? The tea actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the tea, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a Oolong tea?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Sometimes you step out on faith. Other times it's a new found confidence.
With him it was desire, hope and love. That will never waiver. I wish I could take his regrets and relive the first moment we touched. But this is now and then will never return.
As I make a decision to pursue my professional path I have to search for exactly the same amount of passion. I leave for NY tomorrow knowing I have God's grace. I can't fall, I won't turn back.
With him it was desire, hope and love. That will never waiver. I wish I could take his regrets and relive the first moment we touched. But this is now and then will never return.
As I make a decision to pursue my professional path I have to search for exactly the same amount of passion. I leave for NY tomorrow knowing I have God's grace. I can't fall, I won't turn back.
Monday, March 19, 2007
I think you may actually love me and fallen as deep as I. But for some reason when I hear your tone over the line you sound less enthusiastic. Maybe I’ve put too much pressure on you for a future. Need I take a step back from the many pushed forward? Shall I be less sensitive to my negative thoughts? Perhaps only time will tell.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
MY MBA :)
It's official. I received my diploma on March 7, 2007 and will graduate with a 3.959. I don't think I'm going to the ceremony though. My dad can't come since he has to take care of the farm. I love my mom dearly, but dad-dukes was the power behind my moves. He always challenged me and forced me to prove my abilities to myself. I can't walk across the stage and not have him present. After a tough three years the accomplishment is enough acknowledgment.
It's official. I received my diploma on March 7, 2007 and will graduate with a 3.959. I don't think I'm going to the ceremony though. My dad can't come since he has to take care of the farm. I love my mom dearly, but dad-dukes was the power behind my moves. He always challenged me and forced me to prove my abilities to myself. I can't walk across the stage and not have him present. After a tough three years the accomplishment is enough acknowledgment.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
(A letter to "my 2nd father".)
Hey Crazy Hippie. I had to say good bye to you today. As the tears engulfed my cheeks, trembles controlled my limbs until I thought I would lose consciousness. I kept wishing you were there to say something sarcastic and make me laugh or at least force me to become defensive. But then I guess I wouldn't be mourning. Thank you for showing me the importance of passion, love, friendship, generosity, dedication, hard work, pride and dreams. You are an amazing man and your legacy will live forever. Our family will never be the same without you.
Love always and forever,
Pooki
Hey Crazy Hippie. I had to say good bye to you today. As the tears engulfed my cheeks, trembles controlled my limbs until I thought I would lose consciousness. I kept wishing you were there to say something sarcastic and make me laugh or at least force me to become defensive. But then I guess I wouldn't be mourning. Thank you for showing me the importance of passion, love, friendship, generosity, dedication, hard work, pride and dreams. You are an amazing man and your legacy will live forever. Our family will never be the same without you.
Love always and forever,
Pooki
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Well it's been even longer than the time span between my last posts, but with good reason. I've officially completed my grad school program. Unfortunately the blood, sweat and tears (yes, tears) haven't paid off just yet, but I'm sure in due time (at least, that's what they say). Anyway, here's an update on life - I think I've finally found myself if such an epiphany is really possible. However, knowing what you want out of life and constantly not being able to attain it is almost worse than being completely lost. I've gained so much confidence and yet I seem to hide from the next big steps in life. Being promoted has been bitter sweet as I watch another person take my role as being the one everyone depends on. However, when I was in her place I only resented those who constantly needed me. I suppose this is part of maturing and I need to quickly move on because it wouldn't be such a big deal if I hadn't become so entrenched in my 9-5. All in all though the adjustment has spawned a massive job search throughout the DC area for a marketing gig. Say a little prayer for me. I've met an amazing guy who just so happens to be in another state. Never thought my heart would fill with butterflies again when the phone rang and I saw HIS name on the caller ID. Mom and dad are still supporting me albeit much less than ever before. My older brother is going to jail once again. God be with him because for the first time I believe he may be safer on the streets. Detox alone may kill him. The condo is coming along. I actually have tile floors in the bathroom and no water streaming through my bedroom with every rainfall (long story not worth writing). Stay tuned for brief and possibly humorous tales on the kitchen transformation. So that's it...that's my life right now. Somehow I feel it should be much more interesting.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
I realize it has been a loooooooooooooong time. Not many people read this blog so I'm sure I'm not letting anyone down, but I do miss attempts at being creative in showing my emotions without being bold. So I'll dump the latest. I've started seeing someone who literally takes my breath away at every thought. There aren't many who would support my choice, but then the heart stops caring about everyone else at some point.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
I've noticed that I write in this space mostly when I'm unhappy which may explain why their are not entries on a regular basis. Most of the time I am a positive person, but I'm not sure I know how to express it. I've come to the conclusion that I am most passionate about those things I struggle with most. I need to make a resolve to start expressing myself in good and bad times. Most of all, I need to stop focusing on those things that give me the blues.
On that note...I am sooooooooooooooooo excited to have a contract on a condo, especially one that is sure to increase substantially in value in the matter of months! I was seriously contemplating moving south, but have re-examined my options and will be an official home buyer in about five days. Of course, I'm nervous as hell, but it's that good nervousness that makes my stomach tingle not flutter like when I'm taking a big exam (okay so I'm a cornball because I still get anxious over school). Regardless, this is huge news that I can not stop smiling about. I'm sure I'll come off the high soon enough, but for now I'm going to revel in every moment.
On that note...I am sooooooooooooooooo excited to have a contract on a condo, especially one that is sure to increase substantially in value in the matter of months! I was seriously contemplating moving south, but have re-examined my options and will be an official home buyer in about five days. Of course, I'm nervous as hell, but it's that good nervousness that makes my stomach tingle not flutter like when I'm taking a big exam (okay so I'm a cornball because I still get anxious over school). Regardless, this is huge news that I can not stop smiling about. I'm sure I'll come off the high soon enough, but for now I'm going to revel in every moment.
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