I think I've lost all creative talent. A friend says I just need to get into a good relationship and all my woes will be solved. I doubt that. Anyway, don't expect any profound words or artistic pieces of work anytime in the near future.

Seriously, VA weather needs to take a turn toward warmer temps so Blockbuster becomes an option, not a necessity.

Today an attempt was made to explain love and being in love to me by a good friend. It's nice to know others believe in love in such a way it keeps them yearning to experience it again and again.
I, for one, would like to fall just once - deeply, unconditionally, everlasting - in love.

Well it's been even longer than the time span between my last posts, but with good reason. I've officially completed my grad school program. Unfortunately the blood, sweat and tears (yes, tears) haven't paid off just yet, but I'm sure in due time (at least, that's what they say). Anyway, here's an update on life - I think I've finally found myself if such an epiphany is really possible. However, knowing what you want out of life and constantly not being able to attain it is almost worse than being completely lost. I've gained so much confidence and yet I seem to hide from the next big steps in life. Being promoted has been bitter sweet as I watch another person take my role as being the one everyone depends on. However, when I was in her place I only resented those who constantly needed me. I suppose this is part of maturing and I need to quickly move on because it wouldn't be such a big deal if I hadn't become so entrenched in my 9-5. All in all though the adjustment has spawned a massive job search throughout the DC area for a marketing gig. Say a little prayer for me. I've met an amazing guy who just so happens to be in another state. Never thought my heart would fill with butterflies again when the phone rang and I saw HIS name on the caller ID. Mom and dad are still supporting me albeit much less than ever before. My older brother is going to jail once again. God be with him because for the first time I believe he may be safer on the streets. Detox alone may kill him. The condo is coming along. I actually have tile floors in the bathroom and no water streaming through my bedroom with every rainfall (long story not worth writing). Stay tuned for brief and possibly humorous tales on the kitchen transformation. So that's it...that's my life right now. Somehow I feel it should be much more interesting.

I realize it has been a loooooooooooooong time. Not many people read this blog so I'm sure I'm not letting anyone down, but I do miss attempts at being creative in showing my emotions without being bold. So I'll dump the latest. I've started seeing someone who literally takes my breath away at every thought. There aren't many who would support my choice, but then the heart stops caring about everyone else at some point.

I guess after you spend so many Saturdays in the house alone, it gets easier to accept that I'm an ol' lady living inside a 25 year old body (okay, after taking a week off the gym, my body feels old too). Sad, I tell ya. But it's not phasing me at all which is a little scary in itself.

I've noticed that I write in this space mostly when I'm unhappy which may explain why their are not entries on a regular basis. Most of the time I am a positive person, but I'm not sure I know how to express it. I've come to the conclusion that I am most passionate about those things I struggle with most. I need to make a resolve to start expressing myself in good and bad times. Most of all, I need to stop focusing on those things that give me the blues.

On that note...I am sooooooooooooooooo excited to have a contract on a condo, especially one that is sure to increase substantially in value in the matter of months! I was seriously contemplating moving south, but have re-examined my options and will be an official home buyer in about five days. Of course, I'm nervous as hell, but it's that good nervousness that makes my stomach tingle not flutter like when I'm taking a big exam (okay so I'm a cornball because I still get anxious over school). Regardless, this is huge news that I can not stop smiling about. I'm sure I'll come off the high soon enough, but for now I'm going to revel in every moment.

i need to admit to the world (especially to all those who think i have my life planned out on a detailed timeline with every milestone) that I have no idea what i want to do "when i grow up"...all i do know is that i want to finish this degree program (which has become a challenge at every turn) and i want to buy a house without resorting to an interest only loan and paying a minimum of $20,000 between what i qualify for and the sale price of the cheapest house i can find outside of sw washington, d.c. (which is nearly impossible). i guess if i wanted things easily within reach i wouldn't be a manigross, but damn!

looking at my blotched toe nails, i realize the need to stop be a frugal ass female and get them professionally done.

looking out the window wanting so much more. exactly what i can not define. people looking in think the world is all mine. truth be told, i lack sleep, fear being alone, and happiness seems so far away.

i pulled off straight a's this semester while landing the job i've wanted to conquer for the last two years. the journal has much potential. hip-hop matters is well on its way.

but none of that makes me smile while i sit here alone at the end of the day. i don't feel fulfilled. my hunger for success is not satisfied. my desire to give love is strong, my ability to accept another weak.

why do i shed tears on the forgotten past. you walked away and never looked back, proclaiming all along that you left your heart with me. i am the fool who believed. you've replaced me in short time notice. i applaud your quickness. with ease you've found your greatest happiness. people tell me chin up. it wasn't right anyway. i'm the only one who never got a say. so i'll shed tears one more night and give into reality without a fight.

Parentals are flying the nest - the new crib http://www.realtor.com/Prop/1043400303

(the pic does not do this house justice!)

One of my co-workers sent the following and I can't help but agree....

"Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head.........."

By Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the
entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.


If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.

Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers.

We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.

You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing. Make sense?

However, our own U.S. Congress voted themselves a raise. Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month.

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.

I was unexpectantly strong over Christmas with the help of some friends and especially my family. So thanks to all of you (you know who you are). I hope your day was as blessed as mine.

j

Okay, so it was only a verbal confirmation, but I have officially been accepted into UMass's Professional MBA program. I also got a 100% on my stat final and have pulled off an A for the course. I'm not into myself like that, but I'm pretty damn happy right about now. So we wait for the bus ethics grade (something had to suffer, right?).

On another note, I have a new boss and I guess I'm really not too disappointed about her taking over some of the travel. Maybe...just maybe...I'll have enough time in one city to get to know people and start a relationship...hmmm....except for my next trip is the 11th of January and I just got home the 17th.

GO TO JOHH.ORG NOW!

So I've been in Orlando for the past week and head to Tampa tomorrow for another. I know most people would love to be in my shoes, however there has been no fun and games involved and I'm ready to go home. Two weeks from Christmas and my apartment will have no tree, no lights and no decorations this year. Although Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, this year it will be one that is hard to cope with. For those of you who don't know, I got engaged last year on Christmas morning and have spent the last two Christmas' with one individual and his family. Exactly two weeks from today I will wake up without him by my side and I'm not sure how I will deal, but God will give me the strength to pull through. In fact, He's probably tired of carrying me.

Between now and then (December 20th actually) I will complete two portfolios, a term paper on the ethics of brand advertising to 'tweens' and a final in business statistics. Please wish me good luck :) I will succeed in making it through my first semester in grad school. Let's just hope my poor performance on the GMAT's last Friday will go unnoticed and I will be officially admitted to UMASS's professional MBA program.

I have to admit I am not happy with your inability to answer after 8pm, but then again I am the fool for believing that it was my time to fall into the arms of another. I'm still learning how to find my own happiness, to accept what blessings are handed to me and have enough confidence to reach for those things just beyond my reach. Unfortunately, I shared too much with you. Luckily, it was mostly my outer shell. For the one who really knows me...thanks for your kind words and encouragement this past week. I still worry about you too.

It's been about a month since I last even looked at this website. I seem to surprise myself every time I read my own emotions. Am I too passionate or giving? Do I put too much energy into maintaining relationships? Someone recently told me that I would rather be unhappy than uncomfortable. That's pretty ironic coming from this particular individual, however definitely something I have examined. Since September, I have been in St. Louis and PA and in a couple days I'll be headed to Monterey. Travelling can put life into perspective in its own unique ways, mostly because you have plenty of time to look out the window and reflect. In this process, I've tried sketching my thoughts on paper beginning several verses without any completion, all of which contain the words hope, dreams and prayers in some form. This may just be a coincidence or the fact that I have finally transitioned from feelings of depression to those of confidence and ambition. I only hope that this is true and not a front for what may still be settling in deepest part of my soul.

This is the first night in the new crib when I have felt lonely, like everyone has shut their eyes for the day because they are happy with their accomplishments for the last eight hours. When will I close my lids without fear that something was left undone, unfinished, incomplete.

It is important to remember the little things that put a smile on my face and necessary for me to find the time to do them...thanks ma for the reminder. I am not promised tomorrow and need to savor each moment of every day.