looking out the window wanting so much more. exactly what i can not define. people looking in think the world is all mine. truth be told, i lack sleep, fear being alone, and happiness seems so far away.
i pulled off straight a's this semester while landing the job i've wanted to conquer for the last two years. the journal has much potential. hip-hop matters is well on its way.
but none of that makes me smile while i sit here alone at the end of the day. i don't feel fulfilled. my hunger for success is not satisfied. my desire to give love is strong, my ability to accept another weak.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
why do i shed tears on the forgotten past. you walked away and never looked back, proclaiming all along that you left your heart with me. i am the fool who believed. you've replaced me in short time notice. i applaud your quickness. with ease you've found your greatest happiness. people tell me chin up. it wasn't right anyway. i'm the only one who never got a say. so i'll shed tears one more night and give into reality without a fight.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Parentals are flying the nest - the new crib http://www.realtor.com/Prop/1043400303
(the pic does not do this house justice!)
(the pic does not do this house justice!)
Sunday, January 09, 2005
One of my co-workers sent the following and I can't help but agree....
"Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head.........."
By Rush Limbaugh:
I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the
entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.
If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.
Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.
Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers.
We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.
You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing. Make sense?
However, our own U.S. Congress voted themselves a raise. Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system.
If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month.
I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.
"Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head.........."
By Rush Limbaugh:
I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the
entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.
If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.
Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.
Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers.
We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.
You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing. Make sense?
However, our own U.S. Congress voted themselves a raise. Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system.
If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month.
I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Okay, so it was only a verbal confirmation, but I have officially been accepted into UMass's Professional MBA program. I also got a 100% on my stat final and have pulled off an A for the course. I'm not into myself like that, but I'm pretty damn happy right about now. So we wait for the bus ethics grade (something had to suffer, right?).
On another note, I have a new boss and I guess I'm really not too disappointed about her taking over some of the travel. Maybe...just maybe...I'll have enough time in one city to get to know people and start a relationship...hmmm....except for my next trip is the 11th of January and I just got home the 17th.
On another note, I have a new boss and I guess I'm really not too disappointed about her taking over some of the travel. Maybe...just maybe...I'll have enough time in one city to get to know people and start a relationship...hmmm....except for my next trip is the 11th of January and I just got home the 17th.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
So I've been in Orlando for the past week and head to Tampa tomorrow for another. I know most people would love to be in my shoes, however there has been no fun and games involved and I'm ready to go home. Two weeks from Christmas and my apartment will have no tree, no lights and no decorations this year. Although Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, this year it will be one that is hard to cope with. For those of you who don't know, I got engaged last year on Christmas morning and have spent the last two Christmas' with one individual and his family. Exactly two weeks from today I will wake up without him by my side and I'm not sure how I will deal, but God will give me the strength to pull through. In fact, He's probably tired of carrying me.
Between now and then (December 20th actually) I will complete two portfolios, a term paper on the ethics of brand advertising to 'tweens' and a final in business statistics. Please wish me good luck :) I will succeed in making it through my first semester in grad school. Let's just hope my poor performance on the GMAT's last Friday will go unnoticed and I will be officially admitted to UMASS's professional MBA program.
Between now and then (December 20th actually) I will complete two portfolios, a term paper on the ethics of brand advertising to 'tweens' and a final in business statistics. Please wish me good luck :) I will succeed in making it through my first semester in grad school. Let's just hope my poor performance on the GMAT's last Friday will go unnoticed and I will be officially admitted to UMASS's professional MBA program.
Friday, November 05, 2004
I have to admit I am not happy with your inability to answer after 8pm, but then again I am the fool for believing that it was my time to fall into the arms of another. I'm still learning how to find my own happiness, to accept what blessings are handed to me and have enough confidence to reach for those things just beyond my reach. Unfortunately, I shared too much with you. Luckily, it was mostly my outer shell. For the one who really knows me...thanks for your kind words and encouragement this past week. I still worry about you too.
Monday, October 25, 2004
It's been about a month since I last even looked at this website. I seem to surprise myself every time I read my own emotions. Am I too passionate or giving? Do I put too much energy into maintaining relationships? Someone recently told me that I would rather be unhappy than uncomfortable. That's pretty ironic coming from this particular individual, however definitely something I have examined. Since September, I have been in St. Louis and PA and in a couple days I'll be headed to Monterey. Travelling can put life into perspective in its own unique ways, mostly because you have plenty of time to look out the window and reflect. In this process, I've tried sketching my thoughts on paper beginning several verses without any completion, all of which contain the words hope, dreams and prayers in some form. This may just be a coincidence or the fact that I have finally transitioned from feelings of depression to those of confidence and ambition. I only hope that this is true and not a front for what may still be settling in deepest part of my soul.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
This is the first night in the new crib when I have felt lonely, like everyone has shut their eyes for the day because they are happy with their accomplishments for the last eight hours. When will I close my lids without fear that something was left undone, unfinished, incomplete.
It is important to remember the little things that put a smile on my face and necessary for me to find the time to do them...thanks ma for the reminder. I am not promised tomorrow and need to savor each moment of every day.
It is important to remember the little things that put a smile on my face and necessary for me to find the time to do them...thanks ma for the reminder. I am not promised tomorrow and need to savor each moment of every day.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Today I've decided on a two year plan that will take me away from this area and in turn you. For those who view my blog it may seem that I am quite possibly obsessed with you, but I've learned my lesson this time. You don't have any intentions of being with me. I am not the one who makes you happy. And there's someone out there for me anyway, right? Well, now is my time to fly free or fall flat on my face. I can no longer depend on you to catch me when my wings get tired and I have a day when the wind doesn't blow in the right direction so I can soar. Please take care of yourself. My heart will always be with you.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
As lonely as it may be, the easiest thing for me to do right now is find comfort in another. Yet that would be regressing to my old ways, the very ones that have put me in my situation. It's obvious that you have indulged in another. Whether truly and deeply or simply for fear of feeling the pain I experience. At one time, regardless of what happened between you and I, you were 'done'. I guess that's like many of the statements that have changed.
To anyone who reads this, it's clear I still love you. Despite your rejections, I want to fall into your arms when I've received bad news or call you on the celly when something great just occurred. And as much as I want to move on, my heart sits in the pit of my stomach waiting for the uncomfortable moment when I pass your new life.
To anyone who reads this, it's clear I still love you. Despite your rejections, I want to fall into your arms when I've received bad news or call you on the celly when something great just occurred. And as much as I want to move on, my heart sits in the pit of my stomach waiting for the uncomfortable moment when I pass your new life.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Damn Horoscopes
"Why do you find relationships so difficult, dear Pisces? You know that interactions with others help you to learn and grow. This is the case for everyone. But for you, especially, relationships are important because they help to keep you "grounded." Too often you dream of reality rather than confronting it. Today's aspects are going to insist that you make a greater effort with those people closest to you..."
© 2003 Center.com, Inc. All rights reserved.
"Why do you find relationships so difficult, dear Pisces? You know that interactions with others help you to learn and grow. This is the case for everyone. But for you, especially, relationships are important because they help to keep you "grounded." Too often you dream of reality rather than confronting it. Today's aspects are going to insist that you make a greater effort with those people closest to you..."
© 2003 Center.com, Inc. All rights reserved.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
02/14 - Never Shared (and never completed)
I searched high and low for the perfect card and the perfect words. Unfortunately, no one at Hallmark can describe my desires or foretell my feelings. The task is left to me. The task of telling my tale in a way that will let you know where my mind has been and where it rests on this day embodied by a chubby cherub who pierces hearts with arrows. Plain and simple, one thing is for sure. I love you. Deeply and truly. I’ve dedicated my heart and soul to a man who gazed into my eyes and asked that I be his wife. A gentleman who I am proud to call my fiancé, a soul I miss every second we are apart and an individual I want to satisfy mentally and physically.
For anyone who has seen our story may think it resembles that of a drama that becomes a romantic comedy with touches of an adventure. We’ve had our ups and downs and continuously share our highs and lows. But now I only hope to find our happy medium. A place where you can experience my endless support, a spot where I can forgive myself for the past and a home where we can embrace one another endlessly. Maybe it is only a fantasy, but if it can exist, it will between you and I.
Lately you’ve asked what you want me to tell those who call on you day and night. Somehow it seems that the very words you refuse to use come naturally towards me. Then I question whether I am being selfish or selfless. I turn outside myself to find the happiness you provide when the anger turns to tears and sadness becomes silence. I understand where your dreams have roamed. I see through your eyes the excitement you feel as your accomplishments come closer to completeness. I can’t fulfill those desires. I can’t attempt to
I searched high and low for the perfect card and the perfect words. Unfortunately, no one at Hallmark can describe my desires or foretell my feelings. The task is left to me. The task of telling my tale in a way that will let you know where my mind has been and where it rests on this day embodied by a chubby cherub who pierces hearts with arrows. Plain and simple, one thing is for sure. I love you. Deeply and truly. I’ve dedicated my heart and soul to a man who gazed into my eyes and asked that I be his wife. A gentleman who I am proud to call my fiancé, a soul I miss every second we are apart and an individual I want to satisfy mentally and physically.
For anyone who has seen our story may think it resembles that of a drama that becomes a romantic comedy with touches of an adventure. We’ve had our ups and downs and continuously share our highs and lows. But now I only hope to find our happy medium. A place where you can experience my endless support, a spot where I can forgive myself for the past and a home where we can embrace one another endlessly. Maybe it is only a fantasy, but if it can exist, it will between you and I.
Lately you’ve asked what you want me to tell those who call on you day and night. Somehow it seems that the very words you refuse to use come naturally towards me. Then I question whether I am being selfish or selfless. I turn outside myself to find the happiness you provide when the anger turns to tears and sadness becomes silence. I understand where your dreams have roamed. I see through your eyes the excitement you feel as your accomplishments come closer to completeness. I can’t fulfill those desires. I can’t attempt to
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Dwellings (on you)
I guess it was bound to come out in hurtful words strong enough to pierce a knife through me. You lied all along. Declaring your love and promising me forever. Now you share my mistakes like you never made any. My insecurities, fears and expectations ruined our foundation before we could ever build one. I apologize for hurting your soul, leading you to believe I was just another girl who f*cked you. You may never believe the truth after hearing so many lies. Now I only hope your devotion is reciprocated, your dreams supported, your weaknesses complemented and your happiness fulfilled by her.
I guess it was bound to come out in hurtful words strong enough to pierce a knife through me. You lied all along. Declaring your love and promising me forever. Now you share my mistakes like you never made any. My insecurities, fears and expectations ruined our foundation before we could ever build one. I apologize for hurting your soul, leading you to believe I was just another girl who f*cked you. You may never believe the truth after hearing so many lies. Now I only hope your devotion is reciprocated, your dreams supported, your weaknesses complemented and your happiness fulfilled by her.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Have you ever looked into someone's eyes
and wanted to gently fall into their arms
or simply slip into their life?
Have you ever felt that one was so close
only to tear away at a moment's notice
like a pin dropping in a silent room?
Have you ever had your fantasy in your palms
and lost it for fear of holding too tight
or letting them know you wanted a better grip?
and wanted to gently fall into their arms
or simply slip into their life?
Have you ever felt that one was so close
only to tear away at a moment's notice
like a pin dropping in a silent room?
Have you ever had your fantasy in your palms
and lost it for fear of holding too tight
or letting them know you wanted a better grip?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)